There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.
She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."
Friday, April 25, 2008
Johnny & the Teacher
Teacher: "Four pigeons are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four pigeons are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four pigeons are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
Confessional Etiquette.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa, What happened next?'"
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa, What happened next?'"
Ugly Guy?
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
Good Bad Worse!
Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your new wife. (step mother)
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a He.
Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your new wife. (step mother)
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a He.
Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.
Helping the Teacher
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Smart Girl. . .
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your undies."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is, ''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any undies today.''
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your undies."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is, ''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any undies today.''
Madonna, Britney & Christina
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
Birth control research
Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "PREDICKAMINTS!"
They're called "PREDICKAMINTS!"
Screen-saver
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”
Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”
St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”
Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Mistaken identity
A drunk guy is walking down the street.
He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
SURPRISE PACKAGE!
A guy was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. He started chikking her. . .
"Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, getting excited, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house on and takes him to her room, on a first floor with a balcony.
Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk.
"Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved and started relaxing on the bed.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks, about pulling off his shoes. . .
Stacey replies, "That's me . . . "
". . . BEFORE my operation!!"
She (abi HE) barely finished when Jim hopped over d balcony and found himself in his car zooming into the night. . . .
(not in Naija oh!)
"Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, getting excited, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house on and takes him to her room, on a first floor with a balcony.
Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk.
"Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved and started relaxing on the bed.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks, about pulling off his shoes. . .
Stacey replies, "That's me . . . "
". . . BEFORE my operation!!"
She (abi HE) barely finished when Jim hopped over d balcony and found himself in his car zooming into the night. . . .
(not in Naija oh!)
HE is missing (lost)?
Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend immediately ran and followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend immediately ran and followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
DOG WITHOUT LEGS
Vet-Job interview question:
Question: “Where do you find a dog with no legs?”
and he answered: “Where you left it.”
Question: “Where do you find a dog with no legs?”
and he answered: “Where you left it.”
THE CHILD'S PRAYER
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was shitting his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was shitting his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
THE MOST IMPORT STORY!
Three friends worked in the same office & shared a flat on the 110th floor of a New York City high rise apartment building.
One day they returned from their office to discover that the lift was not working. So they decided to climb the stairs to their 110th floor.
To pass the time & not get bored they agreed to tell some story.
The 1st person was tell a story about a war, the 2nd person a romance story & the 3rd person a very sad story.
The first person told a story about the US & Vietnam War which lasted till they reached 50th floor.
The Second person completed his romance story by the time they reached 109th floor.
Now was the turn of the third person to tell a very sad story . . .
. . .And his story was "I forgot to bring the Key to the flat".
One day they returned from their office to discover that the lift was not working. So they decided to climb the stairs to their 110th floor.
To pass the time & not get bored they agreed to tell some story.
The 1st person was tell a story about a war, the 2nd person a romance story & the 3rd person a very sad story.
The first person told a story about the US & Vietnam War which lasted till they reached 50th floor.
The Second person completed his romance story by the time they reached 109th floor.
Now was the turn of the third person to tell a very sad story . . .
. . .And his story was "I forgot to bring the Key to the flat".
THE ZOO STORY
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."
LYING ROBOT
Peter’s Dad brought home a robot one day. The robot has the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Peter returned late from school and dad asked, "Son why are you late from school?"
He replied "Dad, we had extra classes today",
The robot immediately slapped Peter on his face.
Dad shouted, come on tell me the truth, "Why are you late?"
Again, "Dad, I went to see the movie 'Ten Commandments'",
Peter got another slap from the robot.
Finally, "Sorry dad, I went to see the movie 'Sex Queen'."
Dad replied, "Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved."
GBOSA!! The robot hammered the Dad a hot, dirty slap on the face.
Peter's Mother comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband ". . .after all, he’s your son!"
Immediately the robots faces Peter's mother and moves towards her . . . !
No meaning?
Use your imagination . . .
The robot headed towards her to give her a dirty slap, obviously Peter wasn't the man's son!
Peter returned late from school and dad asked, "Son why are you late from school?"
He replied "Dad, we had extra classes today",
The robot immediately slapped Peter on his face.
Dad shouted, come on tell me the truth, "Why are you late?"
Again, "Dad, I went to see the movie 'Ten Commandments'",
Peter got another slap from the robot.
Finally, "Sorry dad, I went to see the movie 'Sex Queen'."
Dad replied, "Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved."
GBOSA!! The robot hammered the Dad a hot, dirty slap on the face.
Peter's Mother comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband ". . .after all, he’s your son!"
Immediately the robots faces Peter's mother and moves towards her . . . !
No meaning?
Use your imagination . . .
The robot headed towards her to give her a dirty slap, obviously Peter wasn't the man's son!
Stupid Nomad
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.
''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.
So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.
''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.
So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''
Chairman of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, ", and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, ", and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Air Pushing
A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?"
His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him."
The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."
His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him."
The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Five Ways to Improve Your Site's Search Results
by James Lewin
Web site visitors use search extensively to find what they need. Because of this, making sure that your search engine supplies your clients what they're looking for is very important. If it doesn't, your customers will assume that your site doesn't have what they want, resulting in lower sales, unhappy customers, and increased support costs.
Here are five steps will help you deliver great search engine results:
1. Determine the most popular search requests at your site.
Many indexing servers compile live reports, including a list of the most common search requests. These lists make knowing what people are looking for at your site easy. Even if your indexing software doesn't provide this, you can usually get the same information from Web server logs. Focusing your energy on improving the most popular search requests will provide the greatest benefit for your time.
2. Test the popular searches for yourself.
Once you know what people are looking for, see how your search engine performs. Does it give you the right results? Starting with a manageable number of search requests (e.g., 25 to 50), and try each of them on your search engine. Are the top three search results the most relevant pages? If not, then your search stinks; you'll need to modify your pages to improve it.
3. Modify your pages to improve search results.
Once you have compiled a list of popular searches returning bad results, determine the top three pages that should be returned for each search phrase. Now modify these pages to improve your search engine's page rankings of them by adding the search phrase to the page's title, keywords, description, and body copy. The search phrase's order and frequency of use will determine how it is ranked. In addition, some index servers also allow you to map search phrases directly to the proper pages. Once you've made the changes, retry your searches to make sure that they are now delivering the right results.
4. Improve site navigation to reduce searches
Search requests are a great way to identify problems with your site's navigation. Providing links from your home page and other high-level pages to the pages that answer your most popular search requests should make finding the most important information at your site easier, and reduce your customers' reliance on your search engine.
5. Repeat
Once you have improved your search results and site navigation, repeat the process. You must monitor and maintain your search engine on a regular basis, because your site and your customers' desires will change over time.
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