EnterTaME

Get ENTERTAINED! An escape from Stress!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

This is Stress...

You stop and pick up a nice hitch-hiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital.
This is STRESS!

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father.
This is a BIG STRESS already.

You require for a DNA analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually, you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile (genetically cannot produce children).
This is a STRESS, combined with a relief.

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids.
That's what called REAL STRESS.

P.S.
What do you do to your wife when you get home?

Toilet, guy-next-door...

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said:

VOICE: Hi, how are you?
ME: Embarrassed I'm doing fine?
VOICE: So what are you up to?
ME: Just doing the same as you , sitting here!
VOICE: Can I come over?
ME: [Annoyed] Rather busy right now!

The voice then said "Listen , I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

ME: Oops!

The Farmer, the Cow, the Milk and the Wife

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting drunk.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

FARMER: Some things you just can't explain.
MAN: So what happened that's so horrible?
FARMER: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
MAN: Ok, but that's not so bad.
FARMER: Some things you just can't explain.
MAN: So what happened then?
FARMER: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
MAN: and then?
FARMER: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
MAN: Again?
FARMER: Some things you just can't explain.
MAN: So, what did you do then?
FARMER: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
MAN: and then?
FARMER: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the silly cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
MAN: Hmmm,
FARMER: Some things you just can't explain.
MAN: So, what did you do?
FARMER: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and MY WIFE WALKED IN.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Diabetic lover

A Jamaican man was making love to his wife for the 1st time.

He screamed out suddenly; ''Ye man, Jah bless!'' And ran out of the room.

He came back with a giant bucket of water and poured it on his
wife's Kitty-Cat.

His frightened wife shouted; ''Watta gwan, rasta man, what u do that for?.''

The man replied; Bomboclat
woman, this thing too sweet, me gwan dilute it, remember me diabetic and sweet thing no
good for me rasta man.

Friday, November 15, 2013

The Pledge

Akpors was so hungry one evening he prayed to d Lord that he should stumble on N2000 on the road and he promised to give unto d Lord N1000 out of it.
Not up to 5 mins after he had made the prayer, he saw N1000 on the road, he quickly picked it up.

He looked up to the sky, shook his head and said,
"My Father in heaven, na now I come fear u o...u no like cheating at all. Sharp, sharp u don quicklycomot ur own share."

Cheers.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Lion read his movie script

During the shooting of a movie...

Director: Now we will release the lion to chase you. Don't worry, it won't harm you

Lead Actor: How sure are you about that?

Director: it's in the script

Lead Actor: Has the lion read the script?!


...a mobile email

Friday, November 1, 2013

Self Love.

Don't hate yourself in the morning...
Sleep till #Noon.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Double checking

Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet first.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Smart Driving...

Drive defensively. Buy a tank (military).
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Good Urge

You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Funny food

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
...a mobile email

Miscounted...

Ok, it's FRIDAY, guys don't be HIM...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

Hmmmm.
...a mobile email

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Gravity

Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
...a mobile email

Knees on High place

Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
...a mobile email

Monday, October 28, 2013

On the Back

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

In Doubt...?

If in doubt, mumble.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Target

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Monday, August 12, 2013

THE REVENGE OF THE RAT.

Recall this....?
RAT WALL POST FaceBook:
Omo na die I dey oh..... No food for my master kitchen. Na him books go hear am nah. Him think say I come him house to watch TV abi?
COMMENT:
Your master stingy, disown am jor.


Ratus ratus was still furious when he placed this call to house owner (man):
Rat: (with tiny voice) hello.
Man: hello, who am i speaking wit?
Rat: na Mr John be dis abi?
Man: yes u are speaking wit Mr John, who is dis pls?
Rat: so u no recognize my voice abi? Na me ur room mate.
Man: u say what?.
Rat: ur room mate "Rat". I dey ur room now..
Man: i beg ur pardon?
Rat: which yeye beg u dey beg. i never chop since yesterday wey u waka comot. I check that place wey u dey put food i no see anything. I check d kitchen nothing. I even check ur fridge no single food there. E be like say u
wan kili me abi.. No problem, i jux say make I let u know say that ur CERFITICATE for inside your
wardrobe wey dem write LAGOS STATE
UNIVERSITY i don eat d "LA" comot. Remaining "GOS" STATE UNIVERSITY.
Let me see which work u go take "GOS" state university find.
...(rat ends call)

THE REVENGE OF THE RAT.
mobile email...

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Fast n Furious

If animals and insects were on facebook, we'll be having posts and comments like......

1. MOSQUITO WALL POST:
Finally PHCN don off light, blood sucking things.
COMMENTS:
(a) Fuck up, dey don on gen for my end.
(b) Abeg bros which area you dey? My people don flit house.

2. DOG WALL POST:
Na wa oh..... I never even stay reach 5mins, all these calabar people don dey eye me. *Ghost mode activated, them no go see me* escaping thinz on my mind.
COMMENTS:
My neighbour na calabar too. The man eyes no good for where dogs dey... I go bite am soon.

3. RAT WALL POST:
Omo na die I dey oh..... No food for my master kitchen. Na him books go hear am nah. Him think say I come him house to watch TV abi?
COMMENT:
Your master stingy, disown am jor.

4. CHICKEN WALL POST:
On the 1st of Dec. I'll be traveling for one month, if you need my attention, enter bush I no fit shout. All these xtians no be em at all.
COMMENT:
No be only you oh, I dey migrate too.

5. HE-GOAT WALL POST:
Heat mood activated, any she-goat online for sex chat?
COMMENTS:
(a) She-goat. @He-goat you're a capital BIG fool.
(b) He-goat. @She-goat, pretender, as if you no dey feel horny. Carry your smelling backside comot for post jor

6. COCK WALL POST:
All these hen go dey run like say dey no wan do. But if you catch them, dem go bend quickly, set for doggy style.
COMMENT:
Your own better nah, you dey catch them. The ones for my area na FAST and FURIOUS. I don pursue tire....

7. RAM WALL POST:
As Salah don dey reach, na church things from now on.

Happy Holidays Weekend Folks!!!
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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Love like SIM card

A lady asked her boyfriend:
Girl: How much do you love me?
Boy: Ilove you so much, I can't measure.
Girl (now pouting): No, just tell me.
Boy: Hmmm, Okay l am like a phone and you are my sim card, there's no me without you. Girl: Aaaaawww that is
romantic.

(Boy says to himself) LOL. See mumu what if I'm a China phone with three sims??


mobile email...

Rapid Weight Reduction progm

A fat man saw advertisement:
"LOSE 5kg IN A WEEK".
He called the number & said I would like to join!
Lady: "Ok! Be ready tomorrow at 6am".

Next morning, he gets to the office & he was taken to a room.
He opens the door & finds a cute water-bed & a hot babe with shoes, underpants & shirt saying:
"If u catch me u can sleep with me!"
& the girlstarts running.
Man starts running but couldn't catch her.
So, during the whole week exercise, he tried to catch her but couldn't.
And HE LOST 5kg.

He then asks for the 10kg program.
Next morning at 6am, he opens the door & saw a hotter babe in bikini saying if u catch me u can sleep wit me.
He lost 10kg that week.

So, he thought this program is awesome!

"Lets try 25kg."
The lady asked, "Are you sure? Its really tough!"
"Why not", he replied.

Next day at 6am he opens the door expecting to see a NUDE babe but finds a nude man saying,
"If I catch u, I will sleep with u!"

Oh boy! See as d man tear race eh!

That week, he lost 40kg!
mobile email...

Friday, August 2, 2013

Policeman and A Man's Wife

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 mph.
...
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the Policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
TGIF

--




____________________________________________________________________________
http://job4vacancy.com

Thursday, August 1, 2013

A very Touching Story

A man came home drunk and unable to walk in a straight line.

He touched the door, table, chairs and kept touching many objects as he went by.


Like I said this is a touching story.
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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Dentist appointment

A  husband  of  beautiful  wife   phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
 
"Rs.850 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
 
"Rs.850!!! Don't you have anything cheaper?"
 
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
 
"What about if you just don't use any anaesthetic?"
 
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock Rs.150 off.
 
"What about if you just use one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic?"
 
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to Rs.400".
 
"How about if you make it a training' session, and one of your students do the extraction while the other students watch and learn?"
 
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you Rs.50.
 
"Now you talking ! It's a deal," said the Husband  "Can I confirm an appointment for my wife for tomorrow then?"

mobile email...

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Door buzzer

Boy drops girl at home, he puts his hand on d wall by d gate for support, leans towards her
BOY : Can I kiss you ?
GIRL : Not now, I'm at home.
BOY : Please.
GIRL : No.
BOY : You were too sweet in bed today.
GIRL : Waoh! you too, full of energy. I could not believe we had four rounds.
BOY : Let me kiss u good night.
GIRL : Someone may be watching, they still think I'm a virgin at home.
This goes on for ten minutes, then girl's brother appears at the gate and says
"Dad says whether u kiss him or not its your decision, but tell that bastard to remove his hand from the intercom button, everyone at home is listening to your conversation"

Oops!!
mobile email...
mobile email...

Monday, July 29, 2013

Horse on the Phone

Wife hit her husband with frying pan.
HUSBAND: What was that for?
WIFE: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.
HUSBAND: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
WIFE: Sorry...!
...
[Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again]

HUSBAND: What now?
WIFE: Your horse is on the Phone.
 
 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Naija Jokes - Bad Market

Ndi Igbo shared the following link and had this to say about it:

BAD MARKET...

Bad market is when your fiance invites you over to meet his family and on getting there, his elder brother is your ex, the father is your sugar daddy and the mum is d woman you just insulted inside danfo.

Bad Market is when you chop the only fish head (isi-azu/ori-eja) wey remain for pot of soup, without knowing say na that fish-head your Malleh wan take arrange nite-food for your Palleh.... My dear, na that night your Papa go disown if you no vomit that ishi azu.

Bad Market is when a lady dey sleep come dey dream where she dey give birth for Hospital bed. The nurses come dey tell her pussssssssh, she just dey push dey go. When she finally woke up, she come see say na shit she dey shit for bed.

Bad Market is when you as a guyman, ask a girl to give you her number after toasting her, she come give you her pallee number. You come decide to call her at midnight for romantic chat... My dear your name go turn to "Error in network connection".

Bad Market is when you don arrange your room finish, come lie down on top of bed dey wait for one Chikala wey you invite to your house. As you hear knock, naso you rush as sharp guy go open door thinking say na your latest Chikala, you come see say na your mallee came from villa.. O man! Na yawa gas sooo..

Bad Market is when you mistakenly use weed (Igbo leaf) cook jollof rice thinking say na scent leaf or curry leaf ... Oga, na Fela or Bob Marley go wake you up for New York when you eat the Rice finish.

Bad market is when you as a babe, follow guy go joint, you just dey chop every every, in fact all the gbogbontigbo na your belle e enter, isiewu, point & kill, cow tail & goat meat pepper soup, peppered snail, fried peppered meat, fried peppered gizzard.... And as your boy friend excuse you go piss; he no return; hmm your name pass sorry.

Bad market is when conductor slap passenger, the passenger did not talk and when the guy wanted to drop, the conductor now discovered that the guy is wearing MOPOL trousers and shoes.

Hahahahahahahaha happy sunday Oº°˚˚˚°
Add your own Bad Market abeg na oge adirozii...

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151632789888409&set=a.493310898408.258548.127503268408&type=1&relevant_count=1
mobile email...

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Exaggerated...?

#ChildNotBride Exaggeration is when d First Lady calls Gov Amaechi her Son, mind u she's 55 & Amaechi is 48. Did She marry Sen Yerima @ 7?
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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The Woman that Reads....

Hmmm,Women!! :D

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. :D
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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Monk's Secrety - conclusion.

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.

Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
mobile email...

The Mystery of the Monks.

A man is driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."






(...that's how d story ended; not my fault)

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Monday, July 8, 2013

The 1O men vs 1 woman

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope on the underside of a helicopter, Ten men and one woman.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didnt the rope would BREAK and everyone would die,they couldnt decide who should go

So finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children giving into men and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking all the men clapped...
....And...

Never underestimate the power of a WOMAN!:D;;)
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Saturday, July 6, 2013

In the Closet

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here".
The man says, "Yes, it is"
BOY: I have a baseball.
MAN: That's nice.
BOY: Want to buy it?
MAN: No, thanks.
BOY: My dads outside.
MAN: OK, how much?
BOY: $150.
MAN: Sold!

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
BOY: Dark in here.
MAN: Yes, it is.
BOY: I have a Wilson infielders glove. MAN: How much?
BOY: $350.
MAN: Highway robbery. Sold.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, lets go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
BOY: Dark in here.
PRIEST: Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!

mobile email...

Thursday, July 4, 2013

50 Funny errors and mistakes on CV...

In your job-search, it's easy to buy into your own delusion that a "funky" resume filled with supposed work-jokes will stand you out from the pack and get you the job faster, or that employers are too busy to notice those tiny errors scattered all over your resume. These 50 resume bloopers are a fraction of what employers find in applicants' resumes; from typographical errors to downright stupid statements. Perhaps you'll find a reason to proofread your resume properly before forwarding it to any employer.

50. Experience: "Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting."

49. Objective: "So one of the main things for me is, as the movie 'Jerry McGuire' puts it, 'Show me the money!'"

48. Skills: "I can type without looking at thekeyboard."

47. Qualifications: "Twin sister has accounting degree."

46. Salary desired: "Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job."

45. Objective: "What I'm looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money."


Source: Corbis
44. Experience: "I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around."

43. Objective: "I am anxious to use my exiting skills."

42. Experience: "My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience."

41. "Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations."

40. Hobbies: "Mushroom hunting."

39. Objective: "To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day."

38. "Revolved customer problems and inquiries."

37. "Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts."

36. Applicant submitted nine-page cover letter accompanied by a four-page résumé.

35. A resume was printed on the back of the person's current employer's letterhead.

34. A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com

33. Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.

32. One applicant tried to make an impression by using four different fonts, three ink colors and a variety of highlighting options on her résumé

31. Cleaning skills: "bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c"

30. "I'm intrested to here more about that. I'm working today in a furniture factory as a drawer"

29. "I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality…"

28. Hobbies: "Drugs and girls"

27. "Work experience: "Responsibilities included checking customers out."

26. "Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail"

25. "Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.

24. "Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement."

23. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

22. Interests: "Gossiping."

21. Experience: "Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting."

20. Reason for leaving: "I thought the world was coming to an end."

19. Qualifications: "I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you."

18. Skills: "Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years."

17. Salary requirements: "The higher the better."

16. Objective: "To become Overlord of the Galaxy!"

15. Resume: "Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve."

14. Languages: "Fluent in English. Also I have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep."

13. "Sex: occassionally".

12. Experience: "Have not yet been abducted by aliens."

11. Candidate wrote résumé as a play – Act 1, Act 2, etc.

10. Other Interests: "Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)".

9. Under "job related skills" – for a web designer – "can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet".

8. One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn't like dealing with blood or needles.

7. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

6. References: "Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don't know their phone numbers."

5. "2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people"

4. Objective: "I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness."

3. Objective: "Student today. Vice president tomarrow."

2. Objective: "My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can't do that, I'll settle on being an accountant."

1. "I am great with the pubic.

Source: http://blog.jobberman.com/50-funny-but-true-resume-mistakes-you-want-to-avoid/
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Saturday, June 29, 2013

Why Do Couples Argue...

WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT... Just for laughs
*************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.
*************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a chrome-plated weighing scale.
And then the fight started.
***************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump And then the fight started.
***************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.
***************************
My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started
***************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to the kitchen.
Then the fight started.

Did I say something wrong?


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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Keep it in the Car..

This is not new, but brings a "hmmmm, guys always keep it in d car...."
Read further....

My wonderful girlfriend Flora and I had been dating 4 over a year and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective 21 year old sister-in-law, Jane, always wore very tight mini-skirts, and often times was bra-less.
Jane would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

One day Jane (Flora's little sis) called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

Jane was alone when I arrived, and whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once b4 I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my room, and if u want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
The house seemed empty, her parents' Prado Jeep wasn't in usually place when I drove in; neither was Flora's Camry.
I stood there for a moment, heart pounding;
Then turned and headed straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my future family were standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test, We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter, Flora. Welcome to the family"!

I smiled and heaved a sigh of relief because I was actually heading to my car to get my condoms from the glove compartment!!

Bops!!...NA GOD SAVE ME Oooo=D.....Nice week ;)
mobile email...

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Family Issues

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
mobile email...

Faulty Window

Akpos calls up the Hotel manager from his room extension.

AKPOS: Please come fast, I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.

MANAGER: Sir, I am sorry I can't help you, this seems to be a personal issue.

AKPOS: You Idiot, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening!

:)
mobile email...

Parrot Auction

A man bought a parrot at an auction after some heavy bidding.
The man gave his offer, another voice will bid higher and higher.
"I hope this bird talks," he told the
auctioneer, after paying.

"Talk?" the auctioneer replied, "Who do you think has been bidding against you for the past ten minutes?"

:)
mobile email...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Man with the Machette...

After the Woolwich saga a man entered a mosque carrying a machette and asked "Who is a muslim here?"
The whole mosque went as silent as a grave yard.

The man asked again, "How can a full mosque have no muslim?".

No one replied.

The man then grabs the nearby young man and goes out with him and tells him,
"Son come help me slaughter my goat for I don't know how to do it".

After the young man had slaughtered the goat, he tells the man that he doesn't know how to skin it and that the man would have to go back to the mosque and get someone else to help him on that.

The man returns to the mosque with a machete dripping with blood.

When the Sheikh sees this, he immediately shouts
"Praise the Looooooooord!!!!!!!"
The whole mosque responds, "Hallelujah"
...an email.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Raped...?

An Adventurous guy took a street girl to the hotel. During the very intensive & hot s*x in the dead of the night, the lady suddenly went lifeless. Seemingly dead.

While the confused guy was still trying to understand what's happening, the lady's phone rang and the guy picked the phone.

Here's the conversation between him and a male voice from the other end of the line:

Voice: Guy, you're in trouble! That girl you just raped to death is the Police Commissioner's daughter.

Guy: but I didn't rape her. I paid her for service rendered.

Voice: Tell that to the police.

Guy: So what do you want me to do. I can't afford to go to prison.

Voice: Pay me 50k and I will handle the rest. We could go to the nearest ATM machine if u don't have d cash on u. I'm a patient businessman.

Guy: Look, I'm a businessman too.
I know a ritualist who will pay 500k for a fresh corpse like this one.
We can share it 50/50. Give me a minute to call him.

The seemingly dead street girl, suddenly jumped up from the bed shouting -

Lady: Na God go punish you.
na your mama dem go take do ritual, idiot. oloshi oloriburuku...

As she ran out of the hotel stark naked.

Guy: Wait na. Abi u say u don die b4. Òle. Thief.


...an email.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Kiss of Suicide

A group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says to the girl,
"What are you doing?"
She says,
"I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked:
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets visual approval from his biker-buddies, the on-lookers, and even the State Trooper, and says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed…….

...an email.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Step - up -- Lessons from a Donkey

STEP-UP  - A LESSON FROM A DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would SHAKE IT OFF and take a STEP UP.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to SHAKE IT OFF and TAKE A STEP UP.

Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a STEP UP.

PS: I know probably read this b4, but someoneelse probably just saw it the for the very first time.
Click SHARE below...
 

from: www.tonyblu2.blogger.com

--





____________________________________________________________________________
http://job4vacancy.com

Friday, May 17, 2013

Smallest Handcuff

The Wedding Ring is the smallest handcuff ever made.
So think deep.
Choose ur prison mate carefully.
Sentence yourself wisely.
So as to avoid #PrisonBreak.

#wisechoices
...an email.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

9 Secrets That Are Okay To Keep From Your Man

9 Secrets That Are Okay To Keep From Your Man

9 Secrets That Are Okay To Keep From Your Man

As close and in love as you may be with your current partner, I think it's safe to say there's something your partner doesn't know about you. While I believe that most couples should have little to no secrets between them, revealing too much or digging up the past that has no bearing on who you are today may be irrelevant, and cause unnecessary drama in your relationship.

All couples are different, and if you feel your union is so strong that it can sustain anything that you divulge about yourself, then great! But if you don't feel obligated to reveal everything there is to know about your life, here are a few things we feel you might be able to keep close to the vest…with a few caveats of course.

1. Your Best Sex

If your best sex wasn't with your current partner, there's no need to tell him that. You've got to know that, right?If he asks you if he was, simply say, "Awww babe, you know I love you" and hopefully that'll distract him. If he doesn't fall for it, I see no reason why telling a little fib will hurt. Men have fragile egos, so stroke it. Nothing good can come from telling him that he wasn't your best and while some men may use that bit of information as incentive to get better, others may be secretly annoyed that you didn't lie to save his feelings. I look at it like this: your ex is an ex for a reason no matter how great the sex was. You love your new beau so that should make him your best, right? Okay, maybe not, but you know what I mean. Just go with it.

2. Number Of Sex Partners

I don't know why people ask this question, particularly men. No matter how many people you tell him you've slept with, the number will mostly likely always be too high for him. It's absolutely a no-win situation. He should be with you for who you are, so how many men you've slept with should make no difference to him…unless he just thinks you're a slore, in which case he's already drawn his conclusions anyway. Your best bet is to simply not answer the question, although that could cause him to become more suspicious and make unwarranted judgments of you. If he pressures you to answer, you can either make up a number that you feel is reasonable and qualify it by saying, "But they were all long-term boyfriends" or you can say, "No one matters that came before you babe" and hope that answer will suffice. If not, then it's time to bounce him because he's simply too insecure.

3. A Past Affair

Don't kill me but I don't necessarily believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. If you've learned from the error of your ways and have vowed that you will never cheat (or be the mistress or side chick) in relationships ever again, then you can probably keep that bit of information to yourself. If he asks you if you've ever cheated on a boyfriend, you may feel compelled to be honest since you don't consider yourself to be a cheater anymore – and that's honorable. But telling him that you cheated on an ex or were involved with a married man may only cause him to question his relationship with you and wonder if you'll do the same thing to him. If there is no chance that he'll find out about your past infidelities and you think divulging this information would compromise your current relationship, then keep it to yourself and continue to be a faithful girlfriend. If he asks and you choose to be honest and he leaves, then he wasn't the one for you and you should be with a man that understands that people make mistakes and can learn from them.

4. An Abortion

If you had an abortion as a result of getting pregnant in a past relationship, there is no reason you should feel the need to tell anyone that – especially if it's an experience you'd rather not relive. You shouldn't hide a pregnancy or an abortion from a current boyfriend but that could also be considered your prerogative. Now if you cannot conceive or carry a baby to term because of a past abortion, and your current partner wants to have children, then you may need to come clean. Otherwise, it is a decision you made for yourself that requires no explanation to anyone.

5. Previous STD

I would normally never advise anyone to keep their sexual history a secret, especially since that is information a potential partner needs to have in order to make an informed decision about having sex with you. However, if you contracted a disease 10 years ago before you met your current partner and it has since been treated and cured, and you haven't had one since, then you may be able to move past that experience and not share. Sexual history is a delicate topic that most people have a hard time addressing. But if you've had several STD's or currently have a condition that you can pass onto your partner, he or she should be told about it…BEFORE you have sex. Condom or not.

6. Any Information About Your Ex

Unless your ex is your child's parent, is stalking you or you have a restraining order against him, your current partner has no reason to know anything about any of your exes. If your ex is still trying to get back together with you, you may decide this is information is on a "need-to-know" basis, because you may feel you can handle your ex on your own. But if the ex is posting inappropriate comments on your Facebook page, is disrespecting your relationship or trying to sabotage it, then and only then should your ex's name come up to your current partner so that he or she is in the loop as to what is going on. Otherwise, leave your ex and that relationship in the past and keep his name out of your mouth. By constantly bringing up your ex, that'll just make your current boo wonder if you're over him, and could possibly make him jealous or feel insecure – neither of which is a good thing. If you value your current relationship, keep your exes and all information about them in the past where it belongs.

7. Prior Criminal Behavior

Unless you are a registered sex offender or have committed murder or armed robbery, you can probably keep the public indecency charge you caught in college to yourself. Now if you have a record and did a bid, then you probably can't hide that for very long anyway. But if you were busted for shoplifting as a teenager and the charge has since been expunged and your records sealed, then you can keep your lips sealed on that one as well. If you are no longer criminally minded and have been an upstanding citizen who abides by the law, then don't give him or her a reason to give you the side eye…or sleep with one eye open.

8. Debt

If you are not married or share expenses and a bank account, then there is no reason the guy you're dating has to know about your student loans or credit card debt. However, if he has a five year plan that includes you both paying for a wedding, buying a house and starting a college fund for Junior, you're going to need to come clean about your spending habits. Lying about or hiding finances can make or break a marriage before it has a real chance to succeed. With that in mind, if you are married or planning to get married, then lay your finances on the table and consult a financial planner if necessary. This way, you can establish a budget that will help you get out of debt while achieving your financial goals as a couple. But if you two are just kicking it, keep your finances separate and your mouth closed – but still get financial help if you need it.

9. Your Toy Collection

Unless you are a sex addict, there is no reason your man should know about your secret stash of adult videos or sex toys if you don't want him to. While some men would welcome the use of such props to your sex lives together, others may not be as open minded and may find those things offensive or even intimidating. If you two live separately, then just make sure you have a good hiding spot in the crib for when he comes over and keep working on convincing him that your toys are no substitution for the real thing. But if he's still opposed to them, then you may either need to dump him for a more adventurous, more secure partner…or keep them under lock and key and bust them out when he goes out of town for the weekend.

This post was written by

tomilolatomilola – who has written posts on 360Nobs.com.
I make stuff up for a living and more importantly everybody's entertainment. You'd either love the series or love it ;-) Don't hesitate to drop your comments about my series on here or via twitter, @tomilola_coco.

Email

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Weapon

Judge: You want to divorce your husband for threatening you with a deadly weapon?

Wife: No your honor I am divorcing him for threatening me every night with a DEAD weapon.

...an email.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Quick Sex...

Johnny wanted to have s#x with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The idiot used coins!"


...an email.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Cemetery Sharing...

TWO LITTLE BOYS STOLE A BAG OF ORANGES FROM THEIR NEIGHBOR AND DECIDED TO GO TO THE NEARBY CEMENTERY TO SHARE THE LOOT. 

AS THEY WERE JUMPING THE BIG GATE TO ENTER THE CEMETERY, TWO ORANGES FELL OUT OF THE BAG AND THEY LEFT THEM BEHIND THE GATE BCOS THEY WERE IN A HURRY.

A DRUNK ON HIS WAY FROM A LOCAL BAR PASSES NEAR THE CEMENTERY GATE AND HEARD:
"ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR YOU" AS THE BOYS SHEARED THE ORANGES.

THE DRUNK IMMEDIATELY SOBERS UP AND RAN AS FAST AS HE CAN TO A NEARBY PRIEST:
"FATHER, FATHER COME AND WITNESS WITH ME, SATAN AND DEMONS ARE SHARING THE CORPSES AT THE CEMETERY."

THEY BOTH RAN BACK TO THE CEMETERY GATE AND THE VOICE CONTINUES:
"ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR YOU,"

SUDDENLY THE VOICE STOPPED COUNTING AND SAID:
"WHAT ABOUT THE TWO AT THE GATE" 

WHEN THE PRIEST & THE DRUNK HEARD THIS, NOT EVEN THE FASTEST MAN COULD CATCH THE PRIEST AND THE DRUNK……


...an email.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Horny Genie

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house. They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.
MAN: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both one wish each, and I will keep one wish for myself.
TOM: I want a billion dollars!
WIFE: I want a house in every country of the world?
GENIE: Done. Done.
TOM: And what is your wish genie?
GENIE: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.
TOM: Emm...Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind.

The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.
After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?
WIFE answers: 35.
GENIE: Really? And he still believes in genie stories.
...a BB® email

Smart ol' Cock

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The
farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and
the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother
you," The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you,"

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a b***h...third gay rooster I bought this week!"
...an email.

Tooth or Hair brushed

Ladies,
Don't leave your tooth brush in ur boyfriend's house in order to claim space.

Anoda girl will use it to brush her front hair, and put it back on the shelf.

------------
...an email.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Bear chase

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as believer now, but perhaps could you make the bear a believer?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
...an email.

This Waiter...

Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller!
~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? Then why aren't you laughing?

...an email.

Lottery

A man asks wife "what would you do if I won a lottery?"

Wife says "I would take half and leave you."

"Perfect. I have won Rs.100, here's Rs.50. Now get lost!"
...an email.

Law of one wife

SON: Dad why doesn't the law permit us to have more than one wife.
DAD: When you get married son, you will realize that the law is on our side.
...an email.

Faith & Challenge

Are you tired of the single life? Why not challenge d Lord today?




Buy the wedding gown and see if d Lord won't supply the groom!





If it doesn't work, RENT THE HALL!
...an email.

Half way there...

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was so excited.

Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
...an email.

Smart Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. "

The defendant smiled and with his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
...an email.

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? "When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior? ", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.

...an email.

Once Said...

After 24 years of marriage, a wife accuses her husband

WIFE: Ever since we got married he has never uttered the words "I love you".
JUDGE: Is this true?
HUSBAND: Yes! Ever since I told her on our wedding day that I love her, I have not changed my mind.

What's should be the Judge's verdict?
...an email.

Selective hearing

Women talk too much. That's why men have developed a superpower called SELECTIVE HEARING.

EXAMPLE:
When a woman says:
"This house is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this,
Your stuff is all on the floor,
You will be without clothes
If u don't wash them
NOW."

Men only hear:
"bla, bla, bla, HONEY
YOU AND I, bla, bla, bla
bla, bla, bla, ON THE FLOOR
bla, bla, bla, WITHOUT CLOTHES
bla, bla, bla, NOW!

*Now read without the "bla"*
...an email.

New Milking Machine

A Farmer ordered a high-tech Milking Machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his member into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though he quickly realized that he couldn't remove his member from the Instrument.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's customer service hot line. "Hello, I just bought a Milking Machine from your company, It works fantastic but how do I remove it from the Cow's Udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two gallons."
...an email.

Dog Ate Lion

Dog ate Lion
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

The dog noticed and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better
leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey!? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago."

The lion stopped and ate the monkey for dinner.
...an email.

Apology Letter

Certain Sexual Lifestyle can get u guy into trouble...

"Dear sir, we have good news! Lab results confirmed that red rashes around your p***s was not Cancer, it was lipstick, we apologize for cutting it off".

You get my drift....?
...an email.

First date jokes

A girl who laughs at all your dry joke on U̶̲̥̅̊я first date together,trust me doesn't have transport money back home.

ℓ☺ℓ afternoon peeps.
...an email.

Unclad pictures

Dont Let Your Boyfriend Take Your Unclad-Pictures – Rita Dominic: The rate at which sex tapes and Unclad pictu... http://bit.ly/13HqdHW
...an email.

Single Ladies...

Reasons Why Some Ladies Will Remain Single For Life: 9 Reasons Why Some African Ladies End Up Single For Life1... http://bit.ly/11AkoWe
...an email.

French scientist bemused by buzz over bra research

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/reuters/rns_odd/~3/b6t0VkrjtPE/story01.htm
...an email.

Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries settle divorce, avoid trial

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/reuters/rns_ent/~3/Zz9Tlhps7Gc/story01.htm
...a BB® email

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Akpor has Facts...

An Oyinbo kid(white boy) came with his dad to warri as tourists, the oyinbo boy decided to show off to Akpors and his friends, so the following
argument went between them...

Oyibo Boi; I got Mc
Donald,
... Akpors: i get Mr Biggs,

I got Mtv ,
we get Stv,

I got Mike TYson,
we get Bash Ali,

I got Elvis Presley
we get Fela Anikulapo kuti,

I got T. pain,
we get T.maya.

I got T.I,
we get M.I.

I got 2-pac,
we got 2-face.

I got Beyonce,
we get Genevieve.

I got Lil wayne,
We got Terry G.

I got Jay Z,
We get DON JAZZY!

I got wiz khalifa,
we get wiz kid.

I got Hollywood,
we get nollywood

I got Silicon valley,
we get Computer village.

I got Las Vegas,
we get Lasgidi.

I got Miami Beach,
we get Lekki Beach.

I got Al Paccino,
we get Peter Edochie.

I got Pirate of d Caribbean,
we get Pirate of Aba.

I got beauty and the beast
we get Bianca and Ojukwu,

I got Mr Bean,
we get Mr Ibu,

I got American Lotto,
we get Baba Ijebu.

We fear Al Qaeda,
we fear Boko Haram

Abi
Akpors dey lieeeeee?????

Akpors Again...


Akpors visit an hotel.
At the front desk, the following discussion with the reception lady:
 Akpor: hello pls am looking for Julie.
 Lady: sorry dirty guy, rough and stinky like you do not look for expensive Julie..!
 Akpors: I'm expensive...I have money.
<Overhearing the discussion going on Julie came to them>

 Julie: am Julie what do you want?
 Akpors: I need to see u..!
 Julie: b4 any guy can see me talkless of sleeping with me., he must hand me #50,000.

<Suprising Akpors brought out the money and they went in 4 about 5hrs..!>
<The next day Akpors come back again.!>

 Akpors: I want to see Julie.

<Julie came and demanded for another #50,000>
<Saying the same words, Akpors dips his hand into his pocket and brought out the money...>

<This also happened on the 3rd day>
<When they were done...>

 Akpors: I really enjoy You..,
 Julie: Mr Man, you are too much oh! Infact no guy ever had sex with me, 3 days in a row and gave me such money; You much be rich like that!!

 Akpors: Do you know Mr Ibu at the end of the street.
 Julie: Yes, he was my former Boss where I worked before.

 Akpors: Mr Ibu said you forgot your bag in his shop with #150,000 so he sent me to give u..!

 Gbam||| JULIE fainted.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Advanced Naija-Dictionary

Advanced African Dictionary, 2013...

CRAZINESS :-
Is when you buy BLACKBERRY PORSCHE of N350,000 and landlord dey pursue your mama cos of 12k HOUSE RENT for village.

FAITH :-
Is using the last money on you to buy wallet
( Abegiii, suffering mode activated).

STUPIDITY :-
Is having SIX BIG CARS while living in a rented apartment
( Eko for SHOW, Lagos mumu ).

WEALTH :- Is when you buy a first class return ticket to UK just to pick up a forgotten wristwatch ( Money speaking ).

WASTAGE :-
Is buying a big MANSION at Asokoro in Abuja and only your Mai-guard and HouseMaid dey livethere ( Political armed robber ).

TROUBLE :-
Is slapping a soldier in front of a quater guard in a barracks
( You may not live well enough to tell the story ).

IRONY :-
Is having the chairman of an Okada Association driving a Range Rover Sport ( He cannot come and die na ).

FOOLISHNESS :-
Is taking a N5,000 cab to watch a film of N1,000 at Eko Hotel...
( Abegiii! Why you no fit wait for the pirated copy now ).

LOVE :-
Is buying suya for your girlfriend while you eat only the onions with tears rushing from your eye ( You love her abi Hunger never deal with you ).

MADNESS :-
Is when a lady flirts with a Rich HIV/AIDS victim so as to get money to buy BRAZILLIAN HAIR ( Hmmm....Life don tire you abi ).

DIRTINESS :-
Is when Cockroach, Rat, Ant, Spider becomes your Roommates and you say '' they were created for a purpose '' ( Na lie! Na money wey you go use buy trap, insecticide no dey ).

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Naija Related...

I was driving down the street when a police man stop my car and immediately opened the door enter and jammed it.

As usual he wanted to collect "roja"money from me...Then sudenly he saw the big grown dog at the back of the seat with tongue stuck out angrily staring fiercely at him.

POLICE: [shakin] Ah! You carry dog?
ME: [I bone my face] Yes!
POLICE: [feeling uncomfortable] Na where una come dey come from?
ME: From hospital!
POLICE: [feeling uneasy] Ehen! You sick?
ME: No, na the dog o.
POLICE: [Looks back] Why the dog come dey shake im head like dat?
ME: Oh! Like that? If the dog wan bite person na so e dey shake head o.
POLICE: and the dog know you o?
ME: Yes na, no be me get am?
POLICE: [sweating] This your door how you dey open am?
ME: Open it na, abi u no know as you take enter.

POLICE: Abeg! Na since I notice the dog I don dey try open am.
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

That Wife

A woman took her very sick husband to see a doctor.

Doctor says confidentially to wife:
If u want ur husband to survive, give him healthy breakfast daily, be pleasant and in a good mood always, don't fight, cook tasty dinners and don't discuss ur problems with him.

Stop watching tv shows, pinging and facebooking , don't demand for money or new jewelries.

If u can do this for one year, ur husband will be ok...

On their way home, the husband asks his wife: what did the doctor say?

Wife: he says ur survival is not possible and u have a short time to leave.!!!

Man!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Naija blondes

Which of these girls would you pardon?
1. A girl told a friend she prefers London to Uk that's why she has never been to UK.

2. A guy took a girl out and asked if she wanted shawarma, she declined by saying am sorry I don't take alcohol.

3. A girl told her man she just graduated and the man asked her so what next; nysc right ?
She said no I don't like that course, there is too much calculation involved.

Dunno!
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Chinko Naija phone

TIPS TO KNOW IF YOUR PHONE IS A CHINA PHONE

(Add urs)

1. It gets full after 3 minutes of charging

2. The phone has TV, MicroWave, To­uch, Nail cutter, toothbrush, fire­lighter, food fla­sk etc.

3. Text message can be written with a toothpick.

4. There are some spelling mistakes e.g Nokla, blackderr­y, i-porn, samswa­g etc.

5. When an aeroplane passes; it records one missed call.

6. When big truck hoots; it records charger connected.

7. Press *#06# on yours now to check if it's chinko.
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Poor Dad

DAD: What's 10 plus 10?
AKPOS: I don't know.
DAD: Idiot! You can't answer such a cheap sum...Your stupidity will kill you.

AKPOS: Daddy, if you saw a 1000 naira note and a 500 naira note which would you pick?
DAD: 1000 of course
AKPOS: Idiot! Can't you pick both? Poverty will kill you.
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Trusting Wife

A woman gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" She says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the man.

She rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as she's dialling, her 4-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mummy! Mummy!! Aunty jane is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!"

The woman slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past her panting husband, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You idiot!" the woman says, "My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
:O

Describe the woman in one sentence pls!

Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Life and its Pon

Virginity is like a ballon, once broke **POP** - and it's gone forever!

Sex is like a pack of Pringles Chips once started you can't stop!

Exam paper is like a dick, when it's HARD people get fucked!

Work is like a group sex, 10 people are behind your ass to take your place!

Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both your money and hard work.

Success is like masturbating, only your own hand can let you achieve it.

So basically life is pornography!

(Don't share).
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

The 8's & the Story.

Can u believe this nonsene???

The difference
between girls aged: 8, 18, 28,
38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48: You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.

The 8's.
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Application for Employment

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
I refer to the recent death of the accountant at your office and hereby apply for the job as a replacement of the dead accountant. Each time I apply for employment, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case, I
have caught you red handed and you have no excuse because while I was in my hometown for holidays I heard the good news about his death so I quickly rushed back to attend the funeral to be sure that he was truly dead before applying.

Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV
and his obituary as proof of vacancy.

You can't give me any excuse this time. I will be very grateful if you fear God and give me the job before I create more vacancies in your company.

Thank you,

Yours Truly,
Akpos.
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Idiot Number 18...

See How Men Are Suffering?
If u are a man and u want to live a long life, please don't go near ur woman's phone unless u have shock-absorbers like me.

I just got home now and met my neighbour (Emeka) crying like a baby, then we got talking:

Me: Mekus wetin happen now...who die nau???

Emeka: Bros na Amaka o

Me: Chizoooooosu!!! amaka don die????

Emeka: My brother had it bn she even die sef I no go cry...dis girl has finished me ooo

Me: Oya please calm down and tell me what happened.

Emeka: Can u imagine Amaka dat av bn paying her school fees up to her final year now use "idiot" to save my name in her phone....

Me: Mshhhhhhhhhhh [hissing] na d "idiot" dey pain u??? Even makin u cry? U get time my broda...

Emeka: Bros no be d "idiot" dey pain me, d tin is dat my own idiot is "idiot number 18"

Me: Hmmm my broda manage d idiot nau, afterall my own girl dat I want to marry use Evangelist David to save my name in her phone...

Emeka (laughing now): Na waoo at least dat one is even beta...

Me: Shut up! Wen I scrolled d phone further I saw 3 other evangelists (Ibe,Timothy and Jacob), then 2 pastors(Mike and Anthony), and den 4 Apostles (Chidi, Samuel, Mike and Greg), den 2 Rev (Chika and Ifeanyi) and then one bishop Francis....

Emeka: Hahahahahahaha may be dat bishop is d general overseer of her heart and u be ordinary branch pastor!!!

Good Day, Good People.
Sent from my BlackBerry phone.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Paris Hilton

Friday, June 19, 2009

Laff on FRIDAY

1. What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead tofurther PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build nextGENERATION.

2. SEXTISTICS.
Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?2% eat. 3% smokecigarettes. 4% take shower.5% go to sleep. 86% get up and go back hometo their wives.


3. WHATS BETTER THAN A CREDIT CARD?
Why is your dick better than a credit card? 1. Once spent recharges itself. 2. It is accepted worldwide. 3. You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4. SALTY PEANUTS:
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has apenis like a peanut! MUM: You mean it's small? LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!


5. WHOLE THING:
A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

6. CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS:
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. LADY: The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?MAN: No,I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.


7. Women TOP 6 LIES:
6. am hvn my period
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big..
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

8. MAGIC:
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then youdisappear.


9. What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if itdoesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

10. COMING.
Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs uphigh and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".


11. CAT IN DANGER
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say
"TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

12. STAGE CURTAIN
What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain??Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but whenyou pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.


13. AGES OF VAGINA:
-16 to 19 BRAND NEW. -20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED -29 TO 36 SECOND HAND -37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR -46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION -56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK -61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

14. DON'T STOP
MUM: Didn't I tell you if stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".And if he touches your pussy say STOP! GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"


ENJOY!

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Flying Construction Worker

Two construction workers work on the 30th floor. One of them has to piss, so the other guy agrees to hold on to him while he leans out a window. Just then the dinner bell sounds and the guy who was holding the other guy runs down to get his food.

On the 20th floor he is stopped by his boss, who asks if the guy he works with is gay. "Why do you ask?" he says.

"Because a minute ago he came flying past my window with his d**k in his hand yelling, 'Where the f**k did that a**hole go?'"

Mouse Droppings

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"

An Old Fart

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Blondes in a Convertible

Two Sweet babes were shopping at the City Mall.
When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car.
So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.

Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock.

The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

Saving Framed Butt

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.

Distraught, she asked her husband to unscrew the seat and drive her to the doctor.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

Suicide Blond

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
“How did this happen?” the doctor asked.
“Well I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?”
“No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’
then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’
So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in nozzle to silence it before I pulled the trigger.”

Cool Chic & the Coke Machine

It was a really hot day and this Cool Chic decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

Yuppie Girl Swims

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet.
The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second.
An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges
that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.

Yuppie Girl...!

How do you know a Yuppie Girl is having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Are these Blonde Jokes TRUE?

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

She throws a Grenade...

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

And She Changed the Speedometer...

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.

So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.

The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

She buys an Appliance

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave, not a TV" he replied.

Blonde Flight Attendant...

An airline captain was helping a new Blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet,
and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Johnny & Santa Claus

Dear Santa:

You must be surprised

that I am writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the begining of this year, when filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I am not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing that I would not do for humanity.

So what balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son-of-a-bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree! As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave the little jerkhead across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year or I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so that you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny :)

Substitute Teacher's Name

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.

Johnny sits down and the teacher says,
“Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.”

Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said,
“Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”

Fascinate...Fasten-Eight

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Peter yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

Sex-Talk...

Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush."

The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake."

A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."

A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"

Sales man

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Ben answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Ben: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Ben: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Ben: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

Not your Child...

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."