Enter-taME - Entertainment

Paris Hilton

2009-09-27T22:45:00.003+01:00

Laff on FRIDAY

2009-06-19T11:19:00.002+01:00

1. What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead tofurther PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build nextGENERATION.

2. SEXTISTICS.
Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?2% eat. 3% smokecigarettes. 4% take shower.5% go to sleep. 86% get up and go back hometo their wives.

3. WHATS BETTER THAN A CREDIT CARD?
Why is your dick better than a credit card? 1. Once spent recharges itself. 2. It is accepted worldwide. 3. You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4. SALTY PEANUTS:
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has apenis like a peanut! MUM: You mean it's small? LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!

5. WHOLE THING:
A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

6. CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS:
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. LADY: The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?MAN: No,I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

7. Women TOP 6 LIES:
6. am hvn my period
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big..
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

8. MAGIC:
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then youdisappear.

9. What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if itdoesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

10. COMING.
Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs uphigh and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

11. CAT IN DANGER
Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say
"TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

12. STAGE CURTAIN
What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain??Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but whenyou pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.

13. AGES OF VAGINA:
-16 to 19 BRAND NEW. -20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED -29 TO 36 SECOND HAND -37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR -46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION -56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK -61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

14. DON'T STOP
MUM: Didn't I tell you if stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".And if he touches your pussy say STOP! GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"

ENJOY!

The Flying Construction Worker

2009-04-13T20:55:00.000+01:00

Two construction workers work on the 30th floor. One of them has to piss, so the other guy agrees to hold on to him while he leans out a window. Just then the dinner bell sounds and the guy who was holding the other guy runs down to get his food.

On the 20th floor he is stopped by his boss, who asks if the guy he works with is gay. "Why do you ask?" he says.

"Because a minute ago he came flying past my window with his d**k in his hand yelling, 'Where the f**k did that a**hole go?'"

Mouse Droppings

2009-04-13T20:41:00.001+01:00

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"

An Old Fart

2009-04-13T20:15:00.001+01:00

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.

After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Blondes in a Convertible

2009-04-13T20:07:00.002+01:00

Two Sweet babes were shopping at the City Mall.
When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car.
So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.

Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock.

The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

Saving Framed Butt

2009-04-13T20:04:00.001+01:00

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.

Distraught, she asked her husband to unscrew the seat and drive her to the doctor.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

Suicide Blond

2009-04-13T20:01:00.005+01:00

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
“How did this happen?” the doctor asked.
“Well I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?”
“No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’
then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’
So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in nozzle to silence it before I pulled the trigger.”

Cool Chic & the Coke Machine

2009-04-13T20:01:00.001+01:00

It was a really hot day and this Cool Chic decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

Yuppie Girl Swims

2009-04-13T19:57:00.001+01:00

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet.
The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second.
An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges
that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.

Yuppie Girl...!

2009-04-13T19:56:00.001+01:00

How do you know a Yuppie Girl is having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Are these Blonde Jokes TRUE?

2009-04-13T19:55:00.002+01:00

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

She throws a Grenade...

2009-04-13T19:34:00.001+01:00

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

And She Changed the Speedometer...

2009-04-13T19:28:00.001+01:00

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.

So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.

The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

She buys an Appliance

2009-04-13T19:24:00.006+01:00

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave, not a TV" he replied.

Blonde Flight Attendant...

2009-04-13T19:24:00.002+01:00

An airline captain was helping a new Blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet,
and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Johnny & Santa Claus

2009-04-13T16:49:00.000+01:00

Dear Santa:

You must be surprised

that I am writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the begining of this year, when filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I am not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing that I would not do for humanity.

So what balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son-of-a-bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree! As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave the little jerkhead across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year or I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so that you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny :)

Substitute Teacher's Name

2009-04-13T16:46:00.003+01:00

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.

Johnny sits down and the teacher says,
“Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.”

Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said,
“Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”

Fascinate...Fasten-Eight

2009-04-13T16:46:00.001+01:00

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Peter yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

Sex-Talk...

2009-04-13T16:41:00.003+01:00

Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush."

The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake."

A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."

A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"

Sales man

2009-04-13T16:41:00.001+01:00

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Ben answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Ben: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Ben: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Ben: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

Not your Child...

2009-04-13T16:39:00.000+01:00

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

Baby Talk

2009-04-13T16:37:00.002+01:00

Little Tommy runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "Of course not."

After Little Tommy runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

Johnny - Knows it All!

2009-04-13T16:37:00.001+01:00

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Osaz and the Coin

2009-04-13T16:15:00.004+01:00

Little Osaz is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Osaz his choice between a N1 coin and 50k coin -- Little Osaz always takes the 50k coin.

One day, after Osaz takes the 50k coin, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Osaz, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a N1 is worth more than a 50K coin, even though the 5oK coin is finer?"

Osaz smiles and says, "Well, if I took the N1, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

The Mouse

2009-04-13T15:37:00.000+01:00

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

Martooni & HeartBurn

2009-04-13T15:35:00.002+01:00

A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.''
The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini.
She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.''
So he goes back and fixes her another martini.
She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything.
Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,
''Would you like another?''

She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.''

The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''

Jill's Legs

2009-04-13T15:33:00.000+01:00

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes dosen't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in.

The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. “You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you.”

“Okay,” she says, “my name is Jill.”

The owner looks her over and says, “I like your legs so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'”

The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop askes him what he's doing. He answers, “Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!”

Dumb Drunk

2009-04-13T15:29:00.002+01:00

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your house burnt down!”
So he runs outside but then he thinks, “I don't have a house.” So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your dad died!”
And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, “I don't have a dad.”
So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, “Bill! You won the lottery!”
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, “My name's not Bill.”

Stoned Drunk

2009-04-13T15:24:00.001+01:00

How does one become stoned drunk?

Drink wet cement.

The Bar

2009-04-13T15:24:00.000+01:00

A guy walked into a bar... OUCH!

What Happned in Texas?

2009-04-13T15:01:00.002+01:00

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers.

So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.

''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''

The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

Piss Drunk

2009-04-13T15:01:00.001+01:00

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."

The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."

How Old is This DRINK....?

2009-04-13T14:56:00.000+01:00

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

Skin Transplant Surgery

2009-04-13T14:50:00.001+01:00

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Proverbs

2008-06-06T16:39:00.007+01:00

''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.''

''Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!''

''Man who run behind car get exhausted''

''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''

''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''

''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok''

''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''

''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.''

''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''

''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!''

''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.''

''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.''

''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''

''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''

''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!''

''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!''

''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''

''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!''

''Man who sit on tack get point!''

''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!''

''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.''

''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.''

''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''

''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''.

''Crowded elevator smells different to midget."

Alligator Bite

2008-06-06T16:39:00.006+01:00

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Live on Love

2008-06-06T16:39:00.005+01:00

A couple decides to get married, despite the fact that the woman doesn't know how to cook at all. After all, he says, they can live on love. After the honeymoon is over, the man goes back to work. One day, he calls from work and asks if his new wife could make some dinner. Knowing full well that she doesn't cook, she asks if they can make love instead. The man agrees, and soon arrives home to find his wife sliding repeatedly down the bannister.

"What are you doing?" he asks, concerned.

"Oh, silly," she says. "I'm warming up your dinner!"

Computer Gender

2008-06-06T16:39:00.004+01:00

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Creation

2008-06-06T16:39:00.003+01:00

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. The Creator asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

The Creator said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked The Creator, "What will this woman cost?"

The Creator replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Hotel Hi-Jinx

2008-06-06T16:39:00.002+01:00

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Final Confession

2008-06-06T16:39:00.000+01:00

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Mommy & "Uncle" Frank

2008-05-09T20:22:00.002+01:00

Mommy & Uncle Frank
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

(wrong number?)

Squeaky clean

2008-05-09T20:22:00.001+01:00

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

Age 54 Maths

2008-05-09T20:22:00.000+01:00

A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''

Copy cat.

2008-05-09T19:55:00.017+01:00

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

For the newly weds - Helpful Spouse

2008-05-09T19:55:00.015+01:00

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Mechanic?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, the Roofman?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, a Cook?

At the Old folks home. . .

2008-05-09T19:55:00.012+01:00

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

The Ant & the ElephANT! (nasty)

2008-05-09T19:55:00.011+01:00

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it between its toes. Being in too much pain to continue, the elephant lay down and began to cry.

Shortly after, an ant came across the elephant and asked why she was crying. "I have a thorn in my foot and it's too painful to walk," cried the elephant.

The ant thought a minute and offered a deal: "I'll pull the thorn from your foot, if you let me have my way with you."

"Okay, I'll do anything," whined the elephant. "Just get the damn thorn out!"

The ant pulled the thorn out, then mounted the elephant and began to hump away. Two monkeys in a nearby tree witnessed the whole thing and were laughing their asses off. They started throwing coconuts at the elephant, and finally one hit her square in the head. The elephant yelled, "YEOUCH!"

The ant said, "Yeah, that's riiight, take it all bitch!"

Sex bully

2008-05-09T19:55:00.010+01:00

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

The Model...

2008-05-09T19:55:00.008+01:00

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

Clemson Wedding....

2008-05-09T19:55:00.007+01:00

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc....

Ya gotta love this guy.

U wan try!

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

2008-05-09T19:55:00.005+01:00

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Pharmacist Phun

2008-05-09T19:55:00.004+01:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

(the babe's father was he pharmacist that sold the condoms to the boy!)

Hired Help

2008-05-09T19:55:00.002+01:00

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

(wrong number?)

Nasty Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

2008-05-09T19:55:00.001+01:00

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Who's the Boss

2008-05-09T19:55:00.000+01:00

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Non-Musical

2008-05-09T13:50:00.000+01:00

What's worse than having termites in your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

The Biker Interview

2008-05-09T13:00:00.004+01:00

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Advanced Technology

2008-05-09T13:00:00.003+01:00

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."

An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The Nigerian says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of prison, put him in the StateHouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

Good Vibrations

2008-05-09T13:00:00.002+01:00

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.

He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."

The Wife...

2008-05-09T13:00:00.001+01:00

3 Guys go to Heaven
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes."

And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Honda-End of Discussion.

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Peugeot 504."

Later that day, the guy in the Honda-End of Discussion sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"

"She was riding a BICYCLE!"

I dont have it

2008-05-09T13:00:00.000+01:00

A Drunks asked a Clergy
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

You know you're having a bad day . . .

2008-05-09T12:27:00.000+01:00

You know you're having a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday!

Analysis of the "F" word

2008-05-09T12:08:00.006+01:00

Lesson 1: Analysis of the "F" word/
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “F***”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “F***” falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb -
both transitive (Mary f***ed John)
and intransitive (John was f***ed by Mary).

It can be an action verb (John really gives a f***),
a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f***),
an adverb (Mary is f***ing interested in John),
or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f***).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f***ing beautiful)
or an interjection (f***! I'm late for my date with Mary).

It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, f***, he's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “f***.”

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- “What the f*** are you doing here?”
2) Fraud -- “I got f***ed by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation -- “Oh, f*** it!”
4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm f***ed now.”
5) Aggression -- “F*** YOU!”
6) Disgust -- “F*** me.”
7) Confusion -- “What the f***, ?”
8 ) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this f***ing business!”
9) Despair -- “F***ed again, ”
10) Pleasure -- “I f***ing couldn't be happier.”
11) Displeasure -- “What the f*** is going on here?”
12) Lost -- “Where the f*** are we?”
13) Disbelief -- “UN-F***ING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation -- “Up your f***ing ass!”
15) Denial -- “I didn't f***ing do it.”
16) Perplexity -- “I know f***-all about it.”
17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a f***, anyhow?”
18) Greetings -- “How the f*** are ya?”
19) Suspicion -- “Who the f*** are you?”
20) Panic -- “Let's get the f*** out of here.”
21) Directions -- “F*** off.”
22) Awe -- “How the f*** did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a f***ing asshole.”
It can be used to tell time -- “It's five f***ing thirty.”
It can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this f***ing job?”
It can be maternal -- “Motherf***er.”
It can be political -- “F*** Clinton!” or “F*** OBJ!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the f*** was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these f***ing Indians come from?” -- General Custer
“That's not a real f***ing gun, is it?” -- John Lennon
“Who's going to f***ing find out?” -- Richard Nixon
“Why the f*** did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton
“Heads are going to f***ing roll.” -- Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a f***ing map.” -- Ulysses
“Where the f*** is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic
“Any f***ing idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO f***ing look like her!” -- Picasso
“Okay, I know, we'll build this BIG f***ing wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty
“I can't believe I just f***ing said that.” -- Patrick Henry
“f***ing backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar
“You want what on the f***ing ceiling?” -- Michelangelo
“Fellatio is not f***ing!” -- Bill Clinton
“Where is that f***ing pizza guy?” -- Elvis
“Why? Because its f***ing there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don't suppose its going to f***ing rain?” -- Joan of Arc
“Scattered f***ing showers my ass.” -- Noah
“I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy
“What are the f***ing chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the f*** are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.

Coming soon. . .
Analysis of the "S" word - "SH*T".

Simply Politics

2008-05-09T12:08:00.003+01:00

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, "Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capitalism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed.

The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the governmentis sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped.

Viagra Coffee Therapy (VCT)

2008-05-09T12:08:00.002+01:00

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

5 Presidents

2008-05-09T12:08:00.000+01:00

Five top politicians are on a plane: Musa, Gowon, IBB, Buhari, Obj.
Musa says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a thousand naira note off the plane.
Gowon says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one thousand naira notes off the plane.
IBB says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one thousand naira notes off the plane.
Buhari says, "I will make the whole country happy!" and throws OBJ off the plane.

Named Dick

2008-05-09T11:50:00.002+01:00

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their young children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on DICK, we're leaving."

The Prescription. . .

2008-04-29T08:37:00.003+01:00

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?

"The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
"You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady calmly reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a PRESCRIPTION."

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

2008-04-25T16:08:00.001+01:00

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Mom almost died

2008-04-25T16:08:00.000+01:00

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.

"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heard her screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her ams and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman tring to revive her she would have died."

Drunk & Falling down

2008-04-25T15:13:00.002+01:00

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The beer-parlour (pub) called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

Daughter's prayer

2008-04-25T15:13:00.001+01:00

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

Bride & Groom deal!

2008-04-25T15:13:00.000+01:00

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Playing Doctor

2008-04-25T12:50:00.000+01:00

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to wail!.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Bubba wack

2008-04-25T12:12:00.005+01:00

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my pee on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his pee and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Aging Explorer

2008-04-25T12:12:00.004+01:00

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

Careful mother

2008-04-25T12:12:00.003+01:00

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room - yet she made no attempt to restrain him.

Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."

"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."

Woman Changer

2008-04-25T12:12:00.002+01:00

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Gummy problem

2008-04-25T12:12:00.001+01:00

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken's foot.

College Rules

2008-04-25T11:56:00.003+01:00

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Baby Talk

2008-04-25T11:56:00.001+01:00

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Dangerous Jungle

2008-04-25T11:56:00.000+01:00

What's dangerous and swings from trees?

A monkey with a chainsaw!

Dr Doctor

2008-04-25T11:38:00.011+01:00

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!

Baaad News

2008-04-25T11:38:00.008+01:00

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Bird it thru the Grapevine

2008-04-25T11:38:00.007+01:00

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parrot?

He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?

It was untweetable.

Wedding Hells

2008-04-25T11:38:00.006+01:00

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding so he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Insulting Parrot

2008-04-25T11:38:00.005+01:00

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet-store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?", she answered

"You know naw!" with a WINK!

Hooligan HiJinx

2008-04-25T11:38:00.004+01:00

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or, !"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or, !"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r, w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

Religious Squirrels

2008-04-25T11:38:00.003+01:00

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

_{Source: Comedy Central}

Future Handicapping

2008-04-25T11:38:00.002+01:00

Papa Iyabo was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Papa Iyabo said, "No problem. I'll take you there on the Presidential Jet".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

Papa Iyabo said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Papa Iyabo is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Charging by the Hour

2008-04-25T11:38:00.001+01:00

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Mysterious Death bed

2008-04-25T11:20:00.000+01:00

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

Why the death?

So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses were so scared and nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil,

Just when the clock struck 11 . . .

. . . Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Condom Count

2008-04-25T10:57:00.009+01:00

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

Little Big Fart

2008-04-25T10:57:00.008+01:00

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''

The messenger boy says, ''Big FART, no CHIEF!"

Horny Wife, Pooped Husband

2008-04-25T10:57:00.007+01:00

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''

On the Roof

2008-04-25T10:57:00.006+01:00

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

Free Groundnut ?

2008-04-25T10:57:00.005+01:00

An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a bottle of groundnuts (peanuts) on his desk, and the young man really loves groundnuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and quickly eats over half of the contents of the bottle.
When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

And the nice old man answered . . .
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the groundnuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is lick off the chocolate off the M&M's."

_{(i.e. the toothless old man licks off the chocolate covering of the M&M peanuts and keeps the groundnut in the Bottle!)}

Girl Power

2008-04-25T10:57:00.004+01:00

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."